February 2009
26 posts
I agreed with the salesman. ‘This macbook’s fast! It’s loading my bank statement in just seconds. Hey, can it google the nearest branch?’
‘Is it made with love?’ he asked the waitress with that smart smirk. When the bill came we were charged ten dollars extra. A pricey emotion.
Our noses touching, ‘Breathe,’ he tells me. ‘Breathe in those microbes.’ His laughter, though mixed with spasmodic coughing, is infectious.
He recognized my shoes, but thought it awkward to speak to me while on the john. So he waited until I finished, lingering outside the stall.
He shuffled in his taped up bare feet. ‘Got any food?’ he asked. ‘No,’ said a guy next to me. ‘But I got money.’ Disinterested, he moved on.
The Museum of Sex displayed a condom packet with a swastika logo. It’s good marketing, since my immediate thought was of population control.
Home Shopping Network is doing it wrong. Forget the jewelry. Whatever Paula Abdul is on, I want me some of that.
Recession proof stores are ones with great locations and knowledge of their target audience, like that Filipino market next to the hospital.
After two days stuck in bed, I feel more greasy and germ-infested than a jar of chunky peanut butter.
The seven disabled men got on the bus in minutes. It took much longer to decide who would get a front seat, and who had to limp to the back.
The dentist down the street was performing a root canal when ConEd cut off power for the whole block. It was a scream unlike any other.
The white pigeon scooped up the red coffee stirrer to finish its nest of human garbage for its next clutch of rats with wings.
While delivering the beer with the handtruck, a case broke loose resulting in $170 worth of PBR rolling down the cobbled streets of SoHo.
One twink asked, ‘What’s the meaning of life?’ I yelled out, ‘42.’ Silence ensued. I guess this isn’t my type of party.
My Alma Mater is acting like a desperate 39 year old would during Valentine’s. ‘I’m divesting from you, Israel. No wait, I take it back!’
When he asked me if I was a caterer, I realized no matter the shade of my suit I will never be white enough for a 5th ave book launch party.
He fell asleep on the bench next to the trash can, which was unfortunate when the lady threw out the rest of her yogurt and missed.
Standing by him I couldn’t hear what he said, but the train conductor did. ‘What did he just call me?’ She approached as the doors closed.
The shriek of a dozen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fans could be heard throughout Manhattan as a projector screen fell on its animators.
After lingering for some time, the man with the beard approached the pharmacist. ‘I’m looking for a drug. It starts with either a Z or a C.’
http://twitpic.com/1cn9r - If you’re having girl problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 followers, but a bitch ain’t one.
I do believe the guys in my deli leave the tip jar so high up just so they can mutter when I don’t tip, and giggle whenever I try.
The woman balanced a baby on her back with five grocery bags of cabbage on an inch of frozen snow. They should name a technique after her.
The recession special went up a dollar, but he was more worried about paying for those hot dogs with his waist length.
She gave out flat beans by the bagful, in memory of her sister. ‘This 14th will mark 10 years,’ said the grocer, remembering not to charge.
They wear the same shoes, their coats are identical, and they share a hair style. Save for a foot and a gender, they’re practically one.