January 2009
29 posts
I found her missing mail. It was in the men’s restroom. That was a very awkward thank you.
He tried to place the blame of delivering the wrong pizza on us. ‘Yeah I gave you the three meat vegetarian pizza. That’s what you ordered.’
Their sounds of lovemaking resonate through these thin walls, well into the AM. She cries while he laughs.
She fell on her way to the break room. ‘Are you all right?’ I asked. ‘Better than that,’ she said. ‘I’m inebriated.’
He tried to scam me with the old ‘you bumped into me and made me drop and break my glasses’ bit. Before it even landed, I called his bluff.
We stole the last of the grocer’s ice but it was for a worthy cause. The National Book Critics Circle really needed their libations chilled!
‘I love boys who sew,’ said the coat check girl seductively, returning my handmade bag. ‘I do too,’ I said, just to ensue an awkward moment.
To our dismay, he rehearsed his lines until Times Square. ‘Have you sniffed his dick lately? It reeks of Benny’s ass.’
The museum tour guide likes to give individual students nicknames. ‘Cutey,’ she called out. ‘Cutey! No not you I’m talking to the cute one.’
‘Praise song for the day,’ Elizabeth Alexander declaimed on the left, while a Facebook status updated, ‘This pome’s ritarded,’ on the right.
I sleep alone tonight, but at least my toothbrush and the one you left behind are spooning.
I thought this new detergent did wonders on my sheets, until while making my bed I realized that they weren’t mine.
He tried to have his lunch while waiting for the train but both the cold and the high fat content had turned his soup into a broth Popsicle.
He cut the line, ‘Just for some nachos,’ he says. A dollar short, he borrowed from his friend, and then later pulled out a 20 for a drink.
This recession has created more new patrons in the library, but sadly they’re the kind who fight over the latest bestseller selfhelp book.
‘I miss my brain tumor for the hormones,’ she said. ‘My boobs filled up and I suddenly had a butt. Sure, I was balding, but I had curves.’
The old lady’s walker didn’t fit through the gates, so she folded it in half, pushed it through the space in between & hobbled into my arms.
The woman smiled at the empty kid’s ride next to the deli, the smiling bus that plays the waltz, and put another quarter in when it stopped.
Tonight was my date with the straight boyfriend. We spent thirty minutes on a PS3 internet browser, zooming in on pixelated side boobs.
‘Let me read your hat,’ she said. And I let her. ‘I heart Phillipines.’ And so I met my favorite and only internet fan, sparkling pants.
Outside Mahmoun’s, the drunk kept talking while choking on his falafel. ‘Best shit in town,’ he said and then thoroughly vomited.
The only source of heat in the cold sauna is the burning rage of the sole man left inside. ‘Turn it on, you fucking bastards. Turn it on!’
On page 23 of this particular Barry Unsworth library book the readers had had enough. One fixed a typo in pen, and another penciled a comma.
I was nauseous after ordering the mac, but when I found the kitchen on fire I felt relieved it was smoke inhalation and not buyer’s remorse.
I didn’t flush because of his sleeplessness; it instead propagated his insomnia with anxiety over when that rushing water sound will come.
Anna always takes two seats when she goes to the movies; one for herself and one for the box of Kleenex.
The mother insisted on the good table in the back. Every 15 minutes, her kid leaned back to let water drop from the ceiling onto his tongue.
On West 4th and Broadway, the twinks started landing blows on each other, but although the noise sounded painful, the results looked sexy.
‘And you’re in love with Martin?’ I asked. ‘Yes.’ And we moved on.